(313) TO EVERYTHING, THERE IS A SEASON

My friend, Donna, said, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you could do for yourself, if your country just leaves you the hell alone!"

Wow! Donna has hit the nail on the head again. She has flashes of brilliance that inspire me.

*****

Imagine a government that controls every aspect of the human experience. Recently, the Joint Commission (an agency of which I had never heard) that accredits United States hospitals, stated that their goal of having a more accurate childbirth-mortality rate set by the Commission was four times higher, at 550 per year, than the hoped-for rate set for the year. What?! We have a government commission that decides how many mothers should die in childbirth each year?

Also, the Recovery and Accountability and Transparency Board, which oversees government largesse, designed to rescue banks, has been attacking a bank in London, Kentucky. The chronology: the government offered the bank in London $30,000,000 in bank-bailout money. The bank in London did not need to be bailed out and declined the offer. Since then, the Transparency Board has been hounding the bank to file the forms explaining what it did with the bailout money. Since it did not take the money (one of the reasons being that they did not want to go through the red tape), there was nothing to report. Have they given up getting the bank to file the necessary forms? Of course not! What does the bank do? If it dummies up some forms, it will be prosecuted for perjury. If they don’t file some kind of form, they will be chastised by the Transparency Board. To date, the bank has written many politicians and government agencies, including Senators and Congressmen, advising that they refused the money. However, all of this has been to no avail.

Imagine the bureaucracy taking over health care in the United States.

This has been a great week for my roadies. My friend JFS sent me some statistics that were originally posted in Investors Business Daily. It seems that the percentage of men and women who survived cancer for five years after diagnosis: US 65%, England 46%, Canada 42%. Percentage of patients with diabetes who receive treatment within six months: US 93%, England 15%, Canada 43%. Percentage of seniors needing hip replacements who received it within six months: US 90%, England 15%, Canada 43%. Percentage referred to a medical specialist, who see the specialist within one month: US 77%, England 40%, Canada 43%. Number of MRI scanners per million people: US 71, England 14, Canada 18. Percentage of seniors 65+ with low income who say they are in excellent health: US 12%, England 2%, Canada 6%.

Also included in JFS’s memo was a quote from Senator Harry Reid who said that elderly Americans must learn to accept the inconvenience of old age. That brings to mind the question that I frequently ask to myself, and out loud, ‘How did this idiot get elected?’

Yours for more credit,
TS Frecklebelly

(312) A GOOD RULE OF ECONOMICS

My friend, David, was married for a number of years to Susie. One day, he found himself in a position where he had a little extra money, and Susie said, ‘Let’s buy that mansion over there on the hill. This little house in which we live is just not up to our social standing.’ He thought about it for ten seconds and said, ‘No. This house is just fine.’ Several years later, the wife had gone on to greener pastures and a bigger house. Then, the real estate market crashed and Dave got laid off. He was very happy that he followed the economic rule: never buy something you don’t need, to impress people who don’t like you to begin with.

*****

If you are spreading propaganda that is against the ruling Islamic establishment, such conduct carries the death penalty.

*****

Illustrating that there is bureaucracy everywhere you go, LeBron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers wants to change his number from 23 to 6. The reason: Michael Jordan, who is considered to be the best basketball player of all times, wore #23 and LeBron James thinks it should be retired throughout the NBA. Seems simple, doesn’t it, but wait! You have to get permission from the NBA establishment in order to change the number that you wear during a game. I wonder what would happen if the players, en masse, told the Commissioner to buzz off?

*****

There is a closed-in area that wants to exhibit photographs of naked women at a local university. Some of the women are young girls, some of the women are fat, and some of them are very thin. It is a study of the female form. However, a group called Restore America to Its Former High Moral Standard While Everyone Is Gleefully Happy and Prosperous found the photographs to be offensive. The Reverend Dirtbag said, ‘You could get fired for having these images on your computer in 90% of the corporate offices today.’ He also opined that the photos were offensive. This is a startling tidbit of information: the photos are offensive to him, but what happens to the legions of citizens who do not find the photos to be offensive? We are, once again, being controlled by some zealous nutcase.

*****

Ben Bernanke was re-appointed to lead the Federal Reserve System. He opines that we need stronger regulations, and that banks made loans to people who couldn’t afford them. Damn! How did that happen? Could it be that Bill Clinton announced a program that, in short form, was titled, ‘Everyone Should Own a Home, Regardless of Their Income.’ At the time, banks were forcing loans on the unwary. I heard some fellow on the radio who’s only income was disability of $1,300 per month, who owed $3,000 a month in mortgage payments. His theory was the bank told him it was a good investment and the real estate market was soaring. When something is soaring, the crash is usually a high-magnitude event. When the banks bundled these worthless mortgages together and sold them as securities, both the banks and brokerage houses went down the tubes–or should have. However, the federal government has an endless supply of paper available and started printing money right and left. Soon, we were another trillion dollars in debt.

Respectfully submitted,
Donald M. Heavrin,
Your Economic Advisor

(311) ANTHRAX ATTACKS REVISITED, EARTHQUAKES, AND CHILE

The FBI released documents pursuant to a Freedom of Information request. Bruce Ivins was the only suspect in the anthrax poisoning case. The released documents illustrated that Ivins had, by some standards, a twisted lifestyle. For instance, he was a cross-dresser. He had an obsession with Kappa Kappa Gamma Sorority, and, best of all, he hated the New York Yankees. How all of this merges into one mind is hard to figure. His behavior illustrates the complexity of the human experience. It also illustrates the irrational behavior of the guards of society. The FBI fished out of Ivins’s garbage 15 pairs of stained women’s panties. The FBI that took the panties to their crackerjack lab tech and told him to test the stains. (Years ago I applied for a job at the FBI, and they said they would hire me to be a stain tester. I graciously declined.) The lab tech on duty said ‘Yech,’ but went to work. Sure as shootin,’ he discovered that the panties contained semen. Next, a grand jury blundered into the maze and demanded that a DNA sample be taken from Ivins. What a zoo!

What does the grand jury think is going to be discovered by getting a DNA sample from Ivins? There’s no other person on the horizon who could have put the stain there unless they think the FBI agents amused themselves after they got the panties out of the garbage can. None of this has anything to do with killing people with anthrax. It’s just another method of making someone look like a perverted kook. The evidence against Ivins demonstrates he was guilty of killing five people, and he killed himself to avoid arrest. But suppose he went to trial. Would the government show up with 15 stained panties and imply that he must be guilty because he’s a nut case? The panties provided an insurance policy for the government if it was a close case. The government could prove that he was a kook and had values that are not universally shared among the masses.

** ** ** **

In Chile, the regular folks are complaining that the government has not provided food, water and medicine and has not stopped the looting. What’s new? Governments are really good until you need help. When there’s a disaster, the government is paralyzed. So everyone must be ready to take care of themselves. If someone goes nuts and shoots up a place of business, after the shooting stops, 200 police cars will show up and create fodder for the six o’clock news. But when something big happens, like the earthquake in San Francisco several years ago, or the flood in New Orleans, the police arrive just in time to do a body count. After the fact they will pay millions of dollars for a rebuilding effort, and that money will be squandered or stolen. Chile is a modern nation compared to Haiti where it’s government cubed–and the government in Haiti can’t get food and water off the tarmac at the airport. When someone says, ‘Hello, I’m from the government, and I’m here to help you’ – RUN.

Respectfully submitted,
Donald M. Heavrin,
Your Crime Monitor

(310) WARNINGS

1) In 1941, the Dutch had broken the Japanese code, and they warned Washington an attack was planned in the Pacific. Our country had also broken the Japanese code and knew that an attack in the Pacific was immanent. On the morning of December 7, soldiers on an outlying island noted that there were a bunch of planes in the air headed for Oahu. They radioed the command post and were advised that everything was OK, they must be our planes.

2) The terrorists who staged the plane-hijackings on 09/11 walked right through the Department of Immigrations to get into the United States. The FBI, the CIA, the Immigrations Service, the Secret Service, and all other interested parties had been advised that this group was dangerous. However, the Department of Immigrations allowed them to enter the country with the label, ‘To Be Watched,’ attached to their entry. However, it did not specify who should do the watching and nothing was done to prevent or discourage their entry into the United States. Now, because of bureaucratic bumbling, the citizens have been held responsible for the attack and are now being subjected to strip searches, x-ray, metal detectors, and suitcase examinations by hoards of bureaucrats.

3) The underwear bomber is poetic. There were warning flares going off on several continents saying that he was extremely dangerous. One of the warnings came from the underwear bomber’s own father. How did the USA and the international community react? Again, it was ho-hum. The best thing that happened was, when he tried to detonate the bomb, it burned off his genitals and he lived. I certainly hope that he gets put in the general population in prison and becomes somebody’s bitch. I hope the bureaucrats that missed all the warning signs have been fired–but you know that is not going to happen.

4) Last year, Forbes magazine predicted that, in the next four or five years, we would be hiring another 250,000 federal employees to manage the various bureaucracies that are being created at the rate of two a day. I am afraid of terrorists, but I am far more afraid of government.

*********

In the year 2000, the Washington Post reported that 20,000,000 Americans believe they have been abducted by aliens. It is obvious that a lot more than 20,000,000 have been abducted.

Respectfully submitted,
Donald M. Heavrin,
Your Servant of Truth

(309) MIRACLES

30 years ago, in 1980, a group of college kids beat the Russians at hockey, and Al Michaels exclaimed, "Do you believe in miracles?" Since that day, it has been known as the Miracle on Ice. This is not hyperbole–it was a miracle. The Russian hockey team was a professional team that was rolling over the competition. There was no chance for a group of amateur, college kids to beat the Russians, but, somehow, they did. Following the great victory over Russia, they played Finland in the gold-medal round and won. Because they were trailing going into the third period against Finland, Herb Brooks, the Coach, told them that if they lost, they would take that to the grave. They were inspired by his short locker-room speech and went out, beat Finland, won the gold medal, and the rest is history. This weekend, there was a show commemorating the 30th anniversary of the hockey team, Team Captain Mike Eruzione said this is one of those things that you will always remember where you were at the time the event occurred. I can remember exactly where I was when John Kennedy was assassinated, when the USA beat the Soviet Union at hockey, and 9/11. There are other events I remember from high school and college, but they did not have the same cultural significance that these three events had.

Al Michaels interviewed three members of the team, and I was reminded that the Coach, Herb Brooks, died in an automobile accident in 2003. I do not remember where Herb Brooks came from or how he was selected to coach the team, but I was reminded in this interview that he had coached the University of Minnesota to two or three NCAA Championships before he was selected to coach the USA Hockey Team.

In other Olympic news, the Iranians selected a woman to carry the flag in the opening ceremonies. She is a skier. I don’t know how that is going to work because it is going to be difficult to wear a burka while skiing. Also of interest is that the woman could not ski on the same slope with men. That restriction has been lifted, and it has been reduced to she cannot ride on the same ski-lift with a man. I would like to measure the IQ of these folks and publicize it so that the world at large would know that we were dealing with people as stupid as the zealous hoards who occupy prominent places in our culture.

*********

The anthrax book has finally been closed by the FBI. At the time, which was after 9/11, anthrax was being mailed to various parties around the country. Right-wing pundits were yelling, ‘See! We’re still at war. Some foreign power is trying to poison us with anthrax. Therefore, all of the restrictions that have been imposed on our freedoms are justified.’ After I heard this announced by several of the right-wing loonies, I was having lunch with my roadies, and they were talking about what group may be responsible for the anthrax. Since it was considered to be of weapons-grade, I said, ‘This is not a foreign power–someone in the United States is making this in a laboratory.’

Shortly thereafter, they focused on a guy in a laboratory who was about to lose his job in anthrax research, who had the capability and the equipment necessary to make high-potency anthrax. After several years of fits and starts, searches, wiretaps, internet inspections, and search warrants, it appeared that they were closing in on the guy. He deprived the government of prosecuting him by killing himself. In my feeble review of the evidence, I think that he was guilty beyond any doubt.

*********

Also of interest, the buildings that were supposed to be constructed at ‘Ground Zero’ have not been constructed. It is a massive bureaucracy, and millions of dollars have been spent to accomplish nothing. They are now estimating that a building will be completed in the next two years–but don’t believe it until you actually see the actual building in person.

Respectfully submitted,
Donald M. Heavrin,
Your Servant of Truth in the Garden of Life

QUICKIE AAA--THE OLYMPICS & SHAUN WHITE

Yesterday, Shaun White won the Half-pipe Competition in the Olympics. His performance was amazing, but he was lucky. Lucky because, for four years, I have been practicing the whole-pipe. I was ready to take him on, but they are not having the whole-pipe competition in this year’s Olympics. Good for Shaun, bad for me.

Respectfully submitted,
Donald M. Heavrin,
Olympic athlete

(308) THE CENSUS BUREAU

The Census Bureau has hired temporary workers and has spent over $100 million getting the wheels lubricated to conduct the next census. According to an audit of the Census Bureau, the temporary workers did not do the work they were hired to do and they over-billed for travel expenses. Also in the mix, the Census Bureau spent $2.5 million for an advertisement during the Superbowl.

Another horrifying news-story: I cannot imagine the government squandering money on any project. If the story is true, all we have to do is impose additional taxes on the rich, who are now defined for IRS purposes as anyone making more than $50,000 per year. Uh oh, I’m sorry–they want to aim the additional taxes at the 2% of the wealthiest, while the rest of us get to pay at the current exorbitant tax rate.

Respectfully submitted,
Donald M. Heavrin

(307) EVAN BAYH & MEDIEVAL FRANCE

Yesterday, Evan Bayh announced that he was not going to run for re-election to the Senate. In his speech, he said that he loved America, but hated Congress. He also observed that, in the private sector, if he could set up a program that created one job, that would be one more than Congress had been able to create in the last six months. He despised the log-jams, the bickering, the fighting, and the manipulation of virtually everyone in Congress. And he had the courage to step up and say, ‘No more.’

At the same time, Senator Bayh announced that he was not running for re-election, one of the pundits said that Nancy Pelosi was an evil person. The same could be said for many people on the Republican side of the aisle. I am fascinated by the concept of aisle orientation. Being on a side indicates that there is a competition of sorts going on.

Meanwhile, back at Speaker Pelosi’s ranch, she is involved in a giant giveaway where major banks receive millions of dollars and people who are unemployed receive largesse at the expense of those who work and those who have been successful and made a lot of money. It is another torture-the-rich (or those who work) program.

*********

THE ELEGANT FRENCH

You cannot get History Magazine on the news-stand. It is a British publication to which one must subscribe. My friend, David, turns his over to me after he has read it cover-to-cover. In the January edition, I learned that a poem, "Roman des Franceis," has been recently translated into English. The poem characterizes the French as, "godless, arrogant, malicious, cowardly, lazy, vile, boastful, greedy, gluttonous, and lying rascals."

I, for one, think this article was unfair, only giving the positive side to Frenchdom. Surely they have done something wrong in their long and storied history. Translating a poem that praises the French without reservation is unfair journalism. Also unnoted is the name, ‘Paris,’ which is derived from the word ‘partir’ which means to leave or flee. It commemorates French cowardice when they faced England’s fierce King Arthur. Somewhere out there in reading land please come up with something negative about the French. I hate for an avalanche of praise to go totally unchallenged.

Respectfully submitted,
Donald M. Heavrin,
Your Servant of Truth in the Garden of Life

QUICKIE ZZ

In the words of Florence King, "Time has lost all meaning in that nightmare alley of the Western world known as the American mind."

In the words of the Internal Revenue Service, ‘You will find it a distinct help . . . if you know and look as if you know what you are doing.’ (from the IRS training manual for tax auditors).

Your Servant of Truth,
Donald M. Heavrin

(306) HAITI-IRAN-THE POPE

The Haitian ordeal continues. Judge Humpty Dump held that the missionaries who were trying to get children out of Haiti were committing an assortment of crimes and must be held for trial or further review. Meanwhile Haiti is the child slavery capitol of the world, and several thousand children a year are sold into slavery. The buyers will take male children, but they prefer female children so they can have sex with them. This is one of those times when it would be good for me to be President of the United States. I would say, ‘You have 15 minutes to let our missionaries go, or we are going to pull all of our support out of Haiti and not give another scintilla of help to your slave colony.’

* * * * *

The guy who is the president of Iran (who looks a lot like Ringo Starr) continues to work on the uranium enrichment program so that he can have nuclear weapons. Again the time has come. It is time to let the Air Force bomb his nuclear potential into oblivion. We whined and groused and complained about Saddam Hussein, who was not a threat to the United States, while ‘Ringo Starr’ just buzzes along working hard to create nuclear weapons.

* * * * *

Another visit with the Catholic Church. Sometime in the distant past Formosus was the pope. His successor in office, Stephen VI hated him, and after Formosus died, Stephen VI drummed up some charges, had the corpse exhumed, set the body on the papal chair, and tried him for various and sundry crimes against the church and humanity. He was found guilty (his cross-examination wasn’t very good), and they chopped off his fingers and threw the corpse in the Tiber River. Such is life on the throne.

Respectfully submitted,
Donald M. Heavrin,
Your Servant of Truth in the Garden of Life