(347) HOW STUPID ARE THEY?

The question is directed to the general public and, specifically, to Congress. A Supreme-Court nominee prints millions of dollars in counterfeit money, bombs Chicago and London, spreads anthrax throughout the mail system, and laughs at Congress. Set against this background of criminal behavior, what is the primary complaint about Supreme-Court nominee Suzie Snarks? The Republican answer: she may be gay!

*****

In your infinite wisdom, should you decide that hard money (gold, for example) is a good idea, the government is going to punish you by taxing gold bullion transactions. Where did this ridiculous idea come from? It is buried in President Obama’s health-care reform Bill. I wish I was making this up. Hello! I’m from the government, and I’m here to help you.

Sincerely yours,
Donald M. Heavrin

(346) BLAGOJEVICH SOON TO BE A BITCH

Boogaloo, or whatever is the name of the former Governor of Illinois, announced a bunch of times that he was going to testify upon the trial of his case. We should know from watching real-crime shows on television that, if the defendant does not testify, he is convicted. Many times, if he testifies, he’s convicted–but, as a rule, the only chance a defendant has of being acquitted is to take the stand, look the jury in the eye, and tell them he did not do it. That has been my experience. I have tried 155 jury trials and about half of them were criminal cases. No one ever was acquitted who did not testify.

I read in the newspaper several days ago that Blogobitch may or may not testify. I laughed out loud and realized I was not qualified to practice law because I couldn’t think of anything other than those two options. Yet, this was reported as a major news story. I may or may not eat lunch. I may or may not go home tonight. When you’re faced with multiple options, it is hard to predict what anyone is going to do.

Within a day or two of the startling ‘may or may not’ announcement, Barfabitch announced that he wasn’t going to testify. When reporters asked him why the change, he mumbled something to the effect that, ‘I talk too much.’ It really doesn’t make any difference–he’s going down.

******

The latest wrinkle into US-government intrusion into our lives is a new committee organization or bureau entitled United States Cyber Command. According to sources close to the fire, the Cyber Command is going to monitor activity of individuals who are, according to the Command, trying to break into secure electronic locations such as power grids, the Defense Department, and any other operation Big Brother is conducting. A military official said that the program was no greater intrusion than the public being surveilled by traffic cameras. What? Huh? Another chilling facet of its operation is a Raytheon-developed array of sensor programs called Perfect Citizen.

Sincerely yours,
Donald M. Heavrin,
Imperfect, as Human Citizens should be

(345) DONNA SPEAKS AGAIN

More rules–just what we needed. My friend Donna wrote Vanguard an email letter and shared it with me. Among the other colorful things she had to say, she referred to them as a bunch of disgusting scum-bags. However, she should take a deep breath and rest easy because Congress has enacted 2,400 pages of regulations with more than 220 additional controls on the financial market. Now everyone is safe, secure, and happy. It brings me back to my idea of a stimulus package. Since we are squandering $2 trillion, I would like to turn the clock back and divide $2 trillion by the number of people in the United States who are over 21 years of age and send them a tax-free check and stand back and watch the economy flourish. The concept is so simple that no bureaucrat could understand it and, since there is not 2,000 pages of regulation connected with my proposal, no bureaucrat could possible favor the program.

*****

I keep running into these little vignettes about Walt Disney. I thoroughly enjoy the Magic Kingdom, but I couldn’t work there because I insist on wearing my own underwear. However, the underwear issue is a small one compared to J. Edgar Hoover identifying Disney as a 100%-loyal American and in listing Disney as a Special Agent Contact (SAC) and asked him to infiltrate and monitor a number of Hollywood organizations that had wing affiliations. I suppose that means they were harboring Communist ideologies. So much for Mickey Mouse.

*****

August 7, 1964: Congress passed the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution giving President Johnson a free-hand to expand the War in Southeast Asia. This is akin to Congress granting Bush authority to expand or start a conflict in the Middle East. This weekend, more than 40 people died in Iraq and Afghanistan. I am 100% certain that one of those killed would have returned to the United States and discovered a cure for cardiovascular disease. The really sad thing about war–especially unnecessary and futile wars–is that war causes a talent-drain. Politicians of all ages tend to use war as a political mechanism to further enhance their popularity.

I was glad President Obama won because he had promised to end the wars in the Middle East. Instead, he sent 30,000 additional troops, which was a very popular move among the better-dead-than-red group in our society. Wasn’t better-dead-than-red connected to some other conflict?

*****

I was alarmed the other day when I learned that we had reduced our nuclear arsenal to where we can only destroy all of humankind 24 times, whereas the former Soviet Union can destroy all of humankind 31 times. This disparity keeps me awake at night. I want us to have equal capacity to exterminate humankind with the Russians.
Trusting that you will not run off and join the Army without first consulting with me, I remain,

Sincerely yours,
Donald M. Heavrin,
Keeper of the Keys to the Magic Kingdom

(344) DIRTY LAUNDRY

The world-famous entertainers at Disney own a cruise-ship named Magic. In 2002, 288 people were stricken with the stomach-churning Norwalk Virus. Disney disinfected the ship and set sail a week later. The disinfection brought some improvement–only 60 passengers got sick this time around.

Also of interest is the fact that employees at Disneyworld were not allowed to wear their own underwear. Instead, they had to wear underwear that had been previously worn by other employees. The problem, according to Disney, was that regular underwear tended to bunch and gather and show under the costumes, so they had a specific underwear design for its employees. According to the system, every night the employees turned in their underwear and, the next day, got another set of underwear. Disney said that it used hot water to clean the underwear, and the system apparently failed because several of the employees contracted a variety of skin ailments. After an avalanche of complaints, Disney relented and started letting its employees wear their own underwear.

*****

For those of you who don’t live in the Louisville area, you may not be aware that our famous coach, Rick Pitino, is prosecuting a former sex-partner of his named Karen Sypher. According to Ms. Sypher, she was impregnated by Pitino, who paid for an abortion and guaranteed her a modest income for life. When he refused to live up to his end of the bargain, she threatened to go public with her allegations, which brought criminal charges against her for extortion and other evils. Yesterday during jury selection, the defense lawyer made a motion to charge the entire jury panel. A written questionnaire had been submitted to jurors and 60% of them had a negative opinion of Pitino, Sypher, or both. One juror wrote, ‘She’s a whore, and he’s a pig’.

From my perspective, I don’t think you could find a better juror. She is equally hostile to both parties.

Sincerely yours,
Donald M. Heavrin,
Court monitor

(343) LET'S GO TO THE MOVIES

David "DW" Griffith worked for Biograph Film Company of New York. He had directed several movies that Biograph thought were successful. By the time he left the company in 1913, he had directed a total of 450 films. After he left Biograph, he went to work for Reliance-Majstic, where he directed a number of full-length movies. Then he set out on the most ambitious project of all–the Civil-War epic, The Birth of a Nation.

The original version was three hours long, and it summarized all that was known about film-making. It emphasized cuts, parallel stories, and overlapping action and transformed a curiosity into a popular art-form. The original movie was three hours in length, and, while it usually cost a nickel or a dime to get into a theater in 1913, Griffith demanded and received an admission price of $2 per person.

Although the film seems to be biased against African-Americans, it was probably because it was based on the novel The Klansman by Thomas Dickson. It was a commercial success and it was acclaimed in the United states and Europe, as well.

Hitler, realizing that movies had great potential for political manipulation, had the film Triumph of the Will made and shown throughout Germany. Some historians believe that it was the most powerful propaganda film ever made.

Hoping you are enjoying the hot weather, I remain,

Sincerely yours,
Donald M. Heavrin,
Film critic

(342) A BRIEF HISTORY WITH NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN

I apologize for not posting anything new in the last ten days, but I was in 16-hour-a-day trial preparation, only to have a settlement on the day of trial. For the last three days, I have been recovering from the ordeal and, today, Thursday, July 1, 2010, is the first day I have had the strength to pick up the dictation unit. Sorry.

* * * * *

The history of civilization is shaped by wars. All newscasts deal with war, or some other disaster. There is very little news that is friendly. Some stations have a ‘making a difference’ segment of the show which illustrates the point. Someone is in despair, and someone else is trying to lift them out of despair. Perhaps despair is the normal human condition. Sprinkled among the moments of despair, there are some shining and enlightening events. My friend, Ryan, married Amy, and it was a joyous occasion. Ryan, as you may remember, is my foil who points out all of the mistakes that I make in the ‘blog. Best regards to him and to Amy. Life is short–I hope they enjoy every minute of it.

* * * * *

After that momentary reprieve, I would like to discuss some human foibles. Those of you who have any historic interest in World War II will remember that Neville Chamberlain went to Germany to talk Hitler into not attacking Czechoslovakia. At the end of the meeting, Czechoslovakia had been kicked under the bus. However, it was reported in the newspapers in England that peace had been established. The British were still war-weary from World War I and did not want to become involved in another conflict. The newspaper accounts of Chamberlain’s success caused the public to rally in his support. Between the airport and his home, the streets were lined with Englishmen cheering wildly. Once he was at home, a throng stood in front of his house and sang, "For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow". The singing and applause continued until he stepped out and waved to the crowd and thanked them profusely. At the same time, Churchill and some others realized that he had set the stage for World War II. Five days later, all the cheering had subsided and England was faced with the cold fact that Hitler was insane and that war was inevitable.

World War II, like all other wars, drastically changed the shape of nations and sewed the seeds to bring about war in the Middle East, Korea, Vietnam, et cetera, ad nauseum.

Sincerely yours,
Donald M. Heavrin,
Denizen in the Garden of Life

(341) NEWT, RUSH, & BECK

Rush Limbaugh is a fool with a large listening audience, although I understand it is diminishing. Hopefully, it will soon be down to nothing. I am not in love with President Obama, and I am not in love with his politics, but I have never said, like Limbaugh said, ‘I want him to fail.’ If President Obama fails, we all fail. The country is too fragile to have another failure at the top.

*****

While crying about family values, Limbaugh has been married four times.
Newt also whines and cries about family values, and he has been married three times. While family values are nice to think about, neither Rush nor Newt can implement them to an extent that will enable them to stay married. I do not mind divorce (although I’ve never had one); in matters of love, decent people can make mistakes. My problem lies in the fact that neither Newt nor Rush are practicing what they preach. People who live in glass houses, according to my grandmother, should never throw stones. We are a forgiving group, and the only President since 1940 who didn’t have an affair were Jimmy Carter and Richard Nixon. The truth about Carter is yet to surface, but I suspect that he was loyal and faithful to his wife. On the other hand, Nixon desperately wanted to have an affair, but there were no women willing to do the deed. Again, according to my Grandmother, you never get too old or too ugly that there isn’t someone who will have you, so Nixon crosses a threshold of repulsiveness that has, heretofore, never been breached.

Finally, Glen Beck is such a Newtwit that he makes Rush and Newt look normal.

*****

David Riesman wrote The Lonely Crowd about 50 years ago. The thesis of the book is that there are three types of society: 1) Tradition-directed (religion, totem poles, et cetera); 2) Inner-directed (where you make basic decisions for yourself); and 3) Other-directed society (where you do what everyone around you is doing). I am an Inner-directed person, and I am repulsed by the Other-directed Society in which I am living. At the present moment, we have to read the latest poll before we know what to do. The morning paper brought the news that 60% of the public believes that the Irish should be deported. Since I am Irish, I know these folks up-close and personal, and I agree with the majority. If I have to be deported in order to get rid of the rest of the Irish, it is a small price to pay–perhaps history will mark me as a solid citizen who was interested in the welfare of the country.

There is no moral basis on which to make decisions. It is an ad hoc, random, range-of-the-moment in which politicians whine about the common good, but really mean, ‘What do I have to say to get re-elected?’

Respectfully submitted,
Donald M. Heavrin,
Laboring in the Garden of Life

(340) ENERGY REVIEW

Following up on yesterday’s observation, I note that if everybody has a windmill in their back yard, that would supply electricity and would have no effect whatsoever on the need for gasoline to keep our vehicles running. If they get the hybrid car perfected, it might reduce our demand for gasoline. However, they have a long way to go. I remember Jay Leno saying that when Toyota was recalling cars because some of them were running away, that a Prius in runaway mode was clocked at 30 mph on the Los Angeles freeway. If I have a car that runs away, I want it to run away, none of this 35 mph crap.

* * * * *

Snake oil salesmen are still at it. In November, 2009, there was an article in various newspapers around the country stating that the Federal government had awarded a Kentucky pharmaceutical company two million dollars to develop a patch that will help potheads withdraw from the symptoms of marijuana. What symptoms are they talking about? I’ve been in the woods, and I’ve seen both the bear and the owl, and I don’t know a single person who has suffered from withdrawal as a result of giving up smoking marijuana.

This morning there was a big advertisement in the newspaper that said the new magic drug could restore 10 to 15 years of memory. Now that’s something that I really need. It has taken me 15 years to forget everything, and now some snake oil salesman wants to restore my memory. I am happy not remembering what happened 10 to 15 years ago, and I want to keep it that way.

Also, my friend, Jerry, sent me a picture of a bumper sticker that said, "If you think medical care is expensive now, just wait until it’s free."

Sincerely yours,

Donald M. Heavrin,
Lobbying for Freedom

(339) LET SCIENCE PREVAIL

I believe it was Carl Sagan who wrote, in The Demon-Haunted World, that in the ‘50's, about 40% of the American public believed automobile tires had feelings. The amazing thing is, if my memory is correct, the number has increased over the years.

We are now facing a catastrophic disaster in the Gulf of Mexico. Someone was taking a shortcut and, at the same time, government inspectors were not inspecting. It was a confederacy of dunces, a combination of ignorance and sloth, that has lead to a disaster that could very well poison the Ocean. The horrible part of the equation (or, perhaps, good) is that, if we kill the Ocean, we all die. That raises the philosophic question of whether we should be allowed to remain on the planet. We treat it so poorly, and we are such an irrational organism, that the world would not lose much if we all perished. While businesses and lifestyles are being destroyed in the Gulf region, Congress is spending trillions of dollars to save banks and to fight wars that have no possibility of positive outcomes. If we are going to do deficit spending, let’s spend it to salvage the Coastline, rather than bail out banks that should have failed anyway. The banks were in a dilemma of their own making. The people on the Coastline have nothing to do with the disaster they are facing. It is a good time for Big Brother to step up and do something constructive for those of us who do not have massive political connections.

*****

Set against this background of disaster compounded by disaster, politicians are now playing the fear card: ‘We need to raise taxes so that we can avoid using fossil fuels.’ I rarely agree with Senator McConnell. I knew him in high school, and I have had many heated discussions with him about what politicians should or should not do. This time, I find myself in complete agreement with Mitch when he said, "Raising taxes will not plug the hole." It is hard to imagine a truer statement coming from a politician. Now, it is up to the rest of us to stop these ignorant asses from taxing us into oblivion.

*****

Also, totally ignored in the current mess, because the windmill-for-lunch-bunch and the solar-panel bunch have control of the microphone, quietly in the background, T. Boone Pickens has been saying, ‘Let’s convert interstate vehicles to natural gas, which is cheap and extremely clean.’ Then over the next decade, we can gradually implement natural gas as a fuel for automobiles. Natural gas is more plentiful than oil and a lot cleaner than coal. But, alas, the green forces are in control and are promoting schemes that cannot work–although I would like to have a windmill in my backyard.

Respectfully submitted,
Donald M. Heavrin,
Laboring in the Garden of Life

(338) TIME TO REMEMBER AGAIN

For some reason, World War I is in the distant past, to such an extent that it is rarely studied or remembered. Today, I am going to do some remembering. Douglas Haig was the Commander of the British Forces. One scholar who has written about World War I said that Haig was criminally stupid. There has never been a better description of a military leader. His primary tactic was the cavalry charge. As a result, in 1916, Germany, France, and England combined lost 1,000,000 soldiers and the front had not budged. Haig insisted on charging into entrenched positions with catastrophic results:
½ mile–35,000 dead
1 mile–40,000 died
900 yards–22,000 died
100 yards–17,000 died
700 yards–26,000 died.

For some reason, Haig believed that he had to take Poelisapelle to secure his position. The town was virtually worthless as a strategic location and, when the British finally took the town on October 5, 1917, 200,000 men had died. Once there, they shrugged and said, collectively, ‘What the hell are we doing here?’ They pleaded with Haig to change his tactics, but he, steadfastly, refused. The bottom line was insanity at the top, as well, because no one said, ‘Enough is enough.’ This is reminiscent of our War in Vietnam. It was a useless undertaking–almost as stupid as our attack on Iraq.

When World War II rolled around, those who were familiar with World War I thought there would never be a war. The reason: World War I was such a debacle that no one who used reason as a tool believed that the world would blunder into another debacle. However, Hitler had other ideas and, when a madman or someone who is criminally stupid seizes control of the war machine, anything can happen.

At the end of World War I, there were 54,896 British soldiers who were never found. At Flanders, they had to put down board sidewalks to reach the front. This, of course, made the troops running along the board sidewalk an easy target for German machine guns. The ground was also extremely wet and, when a shell would explode and blow a hole in the ground, it soon filled with water. The troops rushing along the wooden sidewalk to get to the front would, from time to time, get off the sidewalk to avoid being cut down by machine gun fire and fall into one of the shell-holes. It is unknown how many soldiers drowned in the marsh and in the extra-soft and wet ground of Flanders.

The High Command in Britain being unable to admit that they had sent out an idiot to direct the troops awarded him 100,000 pounds as a reward for his great service when he retired.

I have a friend who has often said, ‘Why can’t we have peace?’ The answer to that question is unknown. It seems that the human animal has an inbred need for war and conquest.

Respectfully submitted,
Donald M. Heavrin,
Laboring in the Garden of Life