(351) KATRINA REVISITED

I just watched a Brian Williams story on Dateline. He told about the horrors that occurred in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Illustrating the stupidity of government, Brian repeated an interview with a FEMA official. He said the government was fully prepared for any emergency. Lie, lie, lie! The government could not get food, water, or medical supplies to thousands of people who were living in the Superdome. The same thing happened at hospitals. Patients and a few doctors who would or could not leave were trapped in hospitals that had no air conditioning, water, or electricity. How hard is it to air-lift water and generators to stricken areas? In the end, massive numbers of FEMA trailers were provided to those who survived but did not have homes. Unfortunately, the walls were poisoned with formaldehyde, and those who moved in were poisoned by the air they were breathing. Now this confederacy of dunces, idiots, cretins, and morons want to dole out our health care. It is not going to work. If you voted for any of these folks who voted to pass this boondoggle, you are going to get exactly what you deserve. Unfortunately, you are going to take the rest of us with you.

*****

The government has already encroached into the health care system. This weekend, I was having a prescription filled. I was second in line. The woman in front of me looked like a soccer-mom who was straight out of middle-class America. She wanted to buy some non-drowsy Claritin. The pharmacy technician said, ‘You have to have positive identification.’ The woman presented her driver’s license, and the pharmacy tech scanned the license and said, ‘I’m sorry, your license is invalid, it expired three days ago, and I can’t sell you any Claritin.’ The woman took a step back, looked confused, and managed to choke out, ‘What?’ The clerk said, ‘It’s part of Big Brother’s ongoing effort to stamp out illegal drug use.’ The woman again said, ‘What?’ The clerk explained that non-drowsy Claritin could be used in making methamphetamine. For the protection of everyone, precautions have to be taken before anyone can buy non-drowsy Claritin.

*****

Saudi King Abdullah wants to clamp down on Muslim clerics who issue odd religious decrees. This is a great idea unless you live under the direction of one of the clerics who issue odd religious decrees. You must follow the decree or suffer the consequences which are Draconian. Good luck to the King and the rest of the world.

Respectfully submitted,
Donald M. Heavrin,
Health monitor

(350) PEACE THROUGH SUPERIOR FIRE-POWER

In Iraq, sixty people died when a suicide bomber blew himself up in the midst of those who were standing in line in an effort to get a job as a security officer. Now that the bomber is dead, it seems there is nothing to do, but, alas, there is something to do if we have the resolve. If the bomber, or potential bombers, are serious about their religion, then bury the bombers with a pig. Yes, a pig. General Pershing, in the face of a Muslim insurrection in the Phillippines before World War I, caught 50 practitioners of Islam and lined them up. He had his soldiers dip their bullets in pig blood, then shot 49 of the insurrectionists. He let the 50th go free, who spread the word that you would die with bullets coated in pig blood if you were involved in any violence.

In the present circumstance, the United States drooled and apologized because they had killed some terrorists and buried them facing the wrong direction. Bury all of them facing the wrong direction. Who cares if we receive criticism, so long as the wholesale murder stops.

On the other hand, as my friend Mad Dog said about Vietnam, ‘They should nuke the place and make a parking lot out of it.’ I think we need another parking lot in the Afghan area, so let’s do scorched-Earth, get rid of the terrorists, and go on without fearing every day that some fruit-loop is going to blow up the building you’re in because the Koran, which was written by someone who could not read or write, states, somewhere, somehow, that all non-believers should be killed.

My first inclination is to advocate peace. Next, get the hell out of there. But since that is not going to happen, we should consider the parking-lot option.

According to Henry David Thoreau, most men lead lives of quiet desperation. I am desperate, and I am tired of being quiet. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I! There, I did it. I am still desperate, but I am no longer quiet, and I feel a lot better.

Respectfully submitted,
Donald M. Heavrin,
Peace advocate

(349) THUNDERBOLTS

At the funeral, the speaker intoned that we would always remember the deceased who was a great man, and his memory would live forever. Not so. His memory will only live so long as someone is alive who remembers him. Then it is all pictures and documents, if those items are preserved and anyone cares to look at them. For the most part, those items will soon be in the landfill as the world continues to turn. We are now on the edge of losing the memory of the WWII. We have already lost the memory of most of the individuals who fought in the war and soon the rest will join the faceless masses who have died without fanfare. This makes me sad, and, every time another chapter closes, I mourn myself because it is a reminder that I am mortal and will soon be erased from the memory of humanity. Since death is inevitable, as I always say, have some fun today, don’t wait until tomorrow.

This weekend brought another reminder of the finality of historic events. The Thunderbolts who fought at Bastogne had their 50th and LAST reunion. They had been getting together every year since the end of the war. Part of their ritual is to remember those who have gone. However distance and age has made it impossible to continue the reunions. This year, 80 members of the Thunderbolts hobbled to the reunion. Many were in wheelchairs.

Adding to the sadness, the unit’s colors were retired. They will be housed in the Patton Museum. They saluted, the horn sounded, and their colors were struck. I cried when I read the story and thought about the few who would view the colors in the future without any knowledge of the men who fought under them. If I had known about the retirement ceremony in advance I would have attended.

******

Across the world, Japan remembered August 6, 1945. Keiko Ikan, now known as Barbara Brown, saw the flash and heard the building she was in starting to crumble. She went outside and was amazed that her town, Nagasaki, had disappeared in a pile of rubble. She now campaigns against nuclear war. A very good plan, but why not against war entirely? There have been few wars that were necessary. Most wars are the result of religion, stupidity, lizard brain, or the quest for power.


Sincerely yours,
Donald M. Heavrin,
Your stalwart chronicler

(348) ROUGH SEX

As I was watching one of those crime-magazine-reporter shows, they talked about the husband in a condemning way, saying he enjoyed ‘rough sex’ with people other than his wife. The implication was that this proclivity authorized his wife to cut him up and put him in a large Tupperware tub. Fortunately, the jury did not think rough sex was a negative and found the murderess guilty.

*****

I have recently read in History Magazine about King John. As a lawyer, I have always thought that the signing of the Magna Carta was a significant event because, for the first time, it allowed citizens to have rights against the government. As a result of the nobles forcing King John to sign the Magna Carta at Runnymede, the world traces constitutional law back to that event. However, like the last ten administrations in the United States where the Constitution has been ignored or compromised, King John had absolutely no intention of honoring the agreement. He signed it as a matter of convenience to keep the nobles on his side in a really stupid war that he was fighting. After the Magna Carta was signed, the Pope declared that it was an illegal document. What? Huh? Who asked the Pope? And who gives a damn what the Pope had to say? It is another example of the church interfering with state business in a country outside the jurisdiction of his imminence.

*****

For your consideration:

"It is hard to imagine a more stupid or more dangerous way of making decisions than by putting those decisions in the hands of people who pay no price for being wrong." –Thomas Sorell

"The issue today is the same as it has been throughout all history, whether man shall be allowed to govern himself, or be ruled by a small elite."
–Thomas Jefferson

Sincerely yours,
Donald M. Heavrin,
Defender of the Constitution

(347) HOW STUPID ARE THEY?

The question is directed to the general public and, specifically, to Congress. A Supreme-Court nominee prints millions of dollars in counterfeit money, bombs Chicago and London, spreads anthrax throughout the mail system, and laughs at Congress. Set against this background of criminal behavior, what is the primary complaint about Supreme-Court nominee Suzie Snarks? The Republican answer: she may be gay!

*****

In your infinite wisdom, should you decide that hard money (gold, for example) is a good idea, the government is going to punish you by taxing gold bullion transactions. Where did this ridiculous idea come from? It is buried in President Obama’s health-care reform Bill. I wish I was making this up. Hello! I’m from the government, and I’m here to help you.

Sincerely yours,
Donald M. Heavrin

(346) BLAGOJEVICH SOON TO BE A BITCH

Boogaloo, or whatever is the name of the former Governor of Illinois, announced a bunch of times that he was going to testify upon the trial of his case. We should know from watching real-crime shows on television that, if the defendant does not testify, he is convicted. Many times, if he testifies, he’s convicted–but, as a rule, the only chance a defendant has of being acquitted is to take the stand, look the jury in the eye, and tell them he did not do it. That has been my experience. I have tried 155 jury trials and about half of them were criminal cases. No one ever was acquitted who did not testify.

I read in the newspaper several days ago that Blogobitch may or may not testify. I laughed out loud and realized I was not qualified to practice law because I couldn’t think of anything other than those two options. Yet, this was reported as a major news story. I may or may not eat lunch. I may or may not go home tonight. When you’re faced with multiple options, it is hard to predict what anyone is going to do.

Within a day or two of the startling ‘may or may not’ announcement, Barfabitch announced that he wasn’t going to testify. When reporters asked him why the change, he mumbled something to the effect that, ‘I talk too much.’ It really doesn’t make any difference–he’s going down.

******

The latest wrinkle into US-government intrusion into our lives is a new committee organization or bureau entitled United States Cyber Command. According to sources close to the fire, the Cyber Command is going to monitor activity of individuals who are, according to the Command, trying to break into secure electronic locations such as power grids, the Defense Department, and any other operation Big Brother is conducting. A military official said that the program was no greater intrusion than the public being surveilled by traffic cameras. What? Huh? Another chilling facet of its operation is a Raytheon-developed array of sensor programs called Perfect Citizen.

Sincerely yours,
Donald M. Heavrin,
Imperfect, as Human Citizens should be

(345) DONNA SPEAKS AGAIN

More rules–just what we needed. My friend Donna wrote Vanguard an email letter and shared it with me. Among the other colorful things she had to say, she referred to them as a bunch of disgusting scum-bags. However, she should take a deep breath and rest easy because Congress has enacted 2,400 pages of regulations with more than 220 additional controls on the financial market. Now everyone is safe, secure, and happy. It brings me back to my idea of a stimulus package. Since we are squandering $2 trillion, I would like to turn the clock back and divide $2 trillion by the number of people in the United States who are over 21 years of age and send them a tax-free check and stand back and watch the economy flourish. The concept is so simple that no bureaucrat could understand it and, since there is not 2,000 pages of regulation connected with my proposal, no bureaucrat could possible favor the program.

*****

I keep running into these little vignettes about Walt Disney. I thoroughly enjoy the Magic Kingdom, but I couldn’t work there because I insist on wearing my own underwear. However, the underwear issue is a small one compared to J. Edgar Hoover identifying Disney as a 100%-loyal American and in listing Disney as a Special Agent Contact (SAC) and asked him to infiltrate and monitor a number of Hollywood organizations that had wing affiliations. I suppose that means they were harboring Communist ideologies. So much for Mickey Mouse.

*****

August 7, 1964: Congress passed the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution giving President Johnson a free-hand to expand the War in Southeast Asia. This is akin to Congress granting Bush authority to expand or start a conflict in the Middle East. This weekend, more than 40 people died in Iraq and Afghanistan. I am 100% certain that one of those killed would have returned to the United States and discovered a cure for cardiovascular disease. The really sad thing about war–especially unnecessary and futile wars–is that war causes a talent-drain. Politicians of all ages tend to use war as a political mechanism to further enhance their popularity.

I was glad President Obama won because he had promised to end the wars in the Middle East. Instead, he sent 30,000 additional troops, which was a very popular move among the better-dead-than-red group in our society. Wasn’t better-dead-than-red connected to some other conflict?

*****

I was alarmed the other day when I learned that we had reduced our nuclear arsenal to where we can only destroy all of humankind 24 times, whereas the former Soviet Union can destroy all of humankind 31 times. This disparity keeps me awake at night. I want us to have equal capacity to exterminate humankind with the Russians.
Trusting that you will not run off and join the Army without first consulting with me, I remain,

Sincerely yours,
Donald M. Heavrin,
Keeper of the Keys to the Magic Kingdom

(344) DIRTY LAUNDRY

The world-famous entertainers at Disney own a cruise-ship named Magic. In 2002, 288 people were stricken with the stomach-churning Norwalk Virus. Disney disinfected the ship and set sail a week later. The disinfection brought some improvement–only 60 passengers got sick this time around.

Also of interest is the fact that employees at Disneyworld were not allowed to wear their own underwear. Instead, they had to wear underwear that had been previously worn by other employees. The problem, according to Disney, was that regular underwear tended to bunch and gather and show under the costumes, so they had a specific underwear design for its employees. According to the system, every night the employees turned in their underwear and, the next day, got another set of underwear. Disney said that it used hot water to clean the underwear, and the system apparently failed because several of the employees contracted a variety of skin ailments. After an avalanche of complaints, Disney relented and started letting its employees wear their own underwear.

*****

For those of you who don’t live in the Louisville area, you may not be aware that our famous coach, Rick Pitino, is prosecuting a former sex-partner of his named Karen Sypher. According to Ms. Sypher, she was impregnated by Pitino, who paid for an abortion and guaranteed her a modest income for life. When he refused to live up to his end of the bargain, she threatened to go public with her allegations, which brought criminal charges against her for extortion and other evils. Yesterday during jury selection, the defense lawyer made a motion to charge the entire jury panel. A written questionnaire had been submitted to jurors and 60% of them had a negative opinion of Pitino, Sypher, or both. One juror wrote, ‘She’s a whore, and he’s a pig’.

From my perspective, I don’t think you could find a better juror. She is equally hostile to both parties.

Sincerely yours,
Donald M. Heavrin,
Court monitor

(343) LET'S GO TO THE MOVIES

David "DW" Griffith worked for Biograph Film Company of New York. He had directed several movies that Biograph thought were successful. By the time he left the company in 1913, he had directed a total of 450 films. After he left Biograph, he went to work for Reliance-Majstic, where he directed a number of full-length movies. Then he set out on the most ambitious project of all–the Civil-War epic, The Birth of a Nation.

The original version was three hours long, and it summarized all that was known about film-making. It emphasized cuts, parallel stories, and overlapping action and transformed a curiosity into a popular art-form. The original movie was three hours in length, and, while it usually cost a nickel or a dime to get into a theater in 1913, Griffith demanded and received an admission price of $2 per person.

Although the film seems to be biased against African-Americans, it was probably because it was based on the novel The Klansman by Thomas Dickson. It was a commercial success and it was acclaimed in the United states and Europe, as well.

Hitler, realizing that movies had great potential for political manipulation, had the film Triumph of the Will made and shown throughout Germany. Some historians believe that it was the most powerful propaganda film ever made.

Hoping you are enjoying the hot weather, I remain,

Sincerely yours,
Donald M. Heavrin,
Film critic

(342) A BRIEF HISTORY WITH NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN

I apologize for not posting anything new in the last ten days, but I was in 16-hour-a-day trial preparation, only to have a settlement on the day of trial. For the last three days, I have been recovering from the ordeal and, today, Thursday, July 1, 2010, is the first day I have had the strength to pick up the dictation unit. Sorry.

* * * * *

The history of civilization is shaped by wars. All newscasts deal with war, or some other disaster. There is very little news that is friendly. Some stations have a ‘making a difference’ segment of the show which illustrates the point. Someone is in despair, and someone else is trying to lift them out of despair. Perhaps despair is the normal human condition. Sprinkled among the moments of despair, there are some shining and enlightening events. My friend, Ryan, married Amy, and it was a joyous occasion. Ryan, as you may remember, is my foil who points out all of the mistakes that I make in the ‘blog. Best regards to him and to Amy. Life is short–I hope they enjoy every minute of it.

* * * * *

After that momentary reprieve, I would like to discuss some human foibles. Those of you who have any historic interest in World War II will remember that Neville Chamberlain went to Germany to talk Hitler into not attacking Czechoslovakia. At the end of the meeting, Czechoslovakia had been kicked under the bus. However, it was reported in the newspapers in England that peace had been established. The British were still war-weary from World War I and did not want to become involved in another conflict. The newspaper accounts of Chamberlain’s success caused the public to rally in his support. Between the airport and his home, the streets were lined with Englishmen cheering wildly. Once he was at home, a throng stood in front of his house and sang, "For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow". The singing and applause continued until he stepped out and waved to the crowd and thanked them profusely. At the same time, Churchill and some others realized that he had set the stage for World War II. Five days later, all the cheering had subsided and England was faced with the cold fact that Hitler was insane and that war was inevitable.

World War II, like all other wars, drastically changed the shape of nations and sewed the seeds to bring about war in the Middle East, Korea, Vietnam, et cetera, ad nauseum.

Sincerely yours,
Donald M. Heavrin,
Denizen in the Garden of Life